The souls capacity ...

The souls capacity to harness darkness as an expression of love and light  

It started off with seeing shapes and colors that didn’t hold a specific meaning or a resonating feeling, but then what began a journey that took hold of my whole being, was the passing thought of my husband. Just as quickly as the thought came to me, a wave of emotions swept my body and heart and I was feeling the depths of my husband’s soul like I never did before. (To preface, along my spiritual journey, we have drifted apart and I wasn’t sure what I thought about our future together). In a moment I was overtaken with pure sadness, desperation, insecurity and being scared, scared of the unknown and the thought of losing me. Just as I felt the depth of sadness in his soul, that he certainly wouldn’t verbalize in any other way, a wave of compassion overtook me. I suddenly felt like I needed to be there for him, that his journey isn’t over and that I needed to support the frail inner child that he was. A feeling that wasn’t there prior. Once that realization of compassion took hold, I was propelled into a tsunami  of emotions that would take hold next.

In an instant, I suddenly felt like I was the collective consciousness of all the indian tribes that were massacred and wiped off the continent during the trail of tears and the conquest of the west. I was ALL of them who suffered, who lost their lives, who lived to tell and were left in anguish.  I felt their souls suffocating with pain and sadness for those beautiful light-filled souls that were destroyed, and a culture that was depleted never to return again. I had the understanding that the perpetrators  knew how loving and pure we were and they did it anyways. I could hardly breathe as the whole consciousness of their people became me. I felt the darkness and sadness and aguish fill my womb in a vastness of space. I saw myself as a void that held all of it. I asked myself why am I doing this, and an answer came to me “that I hold this darkness and anchor it, so that others can have joy, happiness and experience pure love, that this is part of what my soul purpose is”

It was then that the collective  consciousness of the indians dissolved within me and I felt the core of my souls journey. I didn’t see a specific past life, but I felt the emotions that my soul has endured over the course of its incarnations, through many past lives. I felt that my soul had suffered so much, that I’ve lost so much, my children many times over, my family, anything that ever meant anything, taken from me time and time again. I felt I lived many lives where I was physically abused but that I purposefully put myself in those positions to keep my siblings safe. I felt like a vacuum of sadness from all the lives I lived. And so in desperation after feeling the anguish of loss and hurt, I  said to myself “ What are you still doing here? How are you still here with all this pain?” and then an answer came and it felt like the universe was expanding and the stars started to shine around me. The answer was “because I am source. Because I am strong.”
And as soon as it was said to me, I understood it, and remembered it.

I then experienced glimpses of other realms,  lifetimes and universes I have existed in. I remember being a leader in India that at my passing, I felt all the love and sadness from my people that prayed to me and missed me. I became a deity/saint of sorts that they still prey to and miss dearly. In the same moment, I felt my love for them and their love for me. I remember being a warrior/god in another realm/planet where I fought for my people in galactic wars, where us beings were connected spiritually and  mentally and therefor they knew I fought as hard as I possibly could but ultimately knew when the fight was lost, so were all our lives and the planet with it.

I then experienced a realm where all the people including myself, who were doing this psychedelic journey together, were all gods. I remember thinking of each person in the experience and realizing they were me too, and I was them. That we were all the same. This realm was all of us but in a place where joy, happiness and a surplus of abundance was embodied. There was no pain, sorrow, loss or sadness here. We were laughing hysterically and thats when a thought was expressed to me “we have done this so many times. We have been here before and we keep doing this to ourselves”. That we get much joy from experiencing other lives, and there isn’t such a concept of bad or good. We basically want to experience the light and dark, as those experiences then get put into one reservoir for all of us to learn from. They get transmuted to source, and since we are all source, we all benefit and learn from it all. 

I understood then that my soul wanted me to feel the dark depths of my soul first, to truly understand that to know love in its purest, is to know also suffering, loss and pain.  I had fleeting thoughts of all the people I look up to in this incarnation and what they do for humanity and how I wish I was like them and could impact peoples lives as much as they do. And each time I thought of a person, I saw myself in them too. I understood and now understand we are all one.

- Ashley